give me my childhood back

heartbeat racing fast thud thud fingers go cold heartbeat racing fa- stop to think. it’s over, all over and wiped under the rug like years that make fear a distant memory of a person long forgotten but how can i. forget. i remember it all and it comes back to me like a crashing wave wind and all the screaming and yelling and fighting and lying and cheating and sleeping beating drinking feeling touching wanting hating all the time.

this is not me but it is deep inside when i cry myself to sleep because that’s the only way i know how to. ugly inside and trying to be loved always but never having it for real because you go searching in all the wrong places because the right places are dying.

make me a child again and i’ll feel safe in the most uncanny places like on the rug while they scream inside or wrapped in a blanket i cannot remember while she smoked outside but i felt so. much. fear. so much you can’t imagine so much it made me older every day.

my life’s an open book because what else can it be when you and i have nothing in common except paltry favorite shows or oh let’s go get another drink you don’t know me. you don’t know me. and now i’ve emptied out the trash and my body is empty, i have nothing to offer anymore. like a stuffed toy smiling at everything you do except i didn’t want the stuffing in there so i took it out now i have nothing to put in what do i do.

i set my mind aside and i function. everyday i function like everything is okay though it’s not because why do i still feel sad then. save myself i can but i don’t want to because i’ve been doing it all my life i. don’t want this responsibility. you take it.

YOU ARE A SON OF A BITCH AND A LIAR YOU BASTARD it’s funny how words you spoke in another decade make me feel 8 again.

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